Euphemisms and Awkward Descriptions

There is such a thing as being too creative when it comes to writing. This is especially apparent when we’re discussing romantic scenes. The descriptors some authors choose for body parts can be questionable.

I adore the videos from Atomic Apple Pie where she reads out some of these descriptions and how cringe they are. It’s entertaining but also kind of bizarre. Sometimes you can overdo it.

For example, it seems to be common for the male organ to be compared to a weapon: a spear, a sword, love’s sweet arrow. Weapons imply violence, and that isn’t really a good thing. So maybe let’s not. This often goes along with describing the female genitalia as a ‘sheath’ for said ‘sword’ which again feels a bit weird. Also, ‘impaling’ to describe the act of penetration has similiarly violent connotations.

Talking about the vagina as a ‘woman’s secret place’ or a ‘cave’ is weird to me as well. Like, it’s not that complicated or secretive. It’s not like most women hide their treasures in there like a dragon’s hoard. ‘Lady garden’ and ‘flower’ are polite I guess but again it’s just a bit of an odd comparison.

I also loathe the descriptions using ‘moist’ and ‘damp’, a lot of people get the ick from the word ‘moist’ and dampness sounds unpleasant. Like a leaky basement or something, where you’d see mould growing. Not sexy to most people, is it?

Food is another common comparison. Sausages and ham sandwiches, or beef anything is just strange and off-putting for me. Keep your ‘man meat’ to yourself, please. Same goes for breasts: melons, citrus fruits or pancakes – none of that sounds sexy to me.

Of course using juvenile words like ‘peepee’ and ‘hooha’ should also be avoided. You’re writing adult fiction for adults, so let’s behave like adults, yes? Using such childish words gives it a creepy vibe.

I understand that using the correct anatomical terms can sound very clinical and make you feel like you’re back in biology class. I’m reminded of that scene in Friends where Ross is asked to talk dirty to a woman he’s dating and he says ‘vulva’. It’s the correct word for the external genitalia, but it doesn’t sound that appealing.

So my advice is to keep it relatively simple, pick a couple of commonly used terms that fit the vibe of your story and stick with those. Think about what words are used in sex scenes you enjoyed reading and echo those. If you can’t read it out loud without cringing, it needs revision.

Another point is that romance scenes work a lot better if your focus is on the emotions and the relationship between the characters instead of detailed stage directions of what is happening. Tab A goes into slot B, that kind of thing. Like with fighting and action scenes, it’s not just about what the characters are doing, but how the action affects the characters and their relationships with each other.

Emi the Cat Lady 💜